I guess that's what it is, my fear of failure. I didn't recognize that as my AV. It's all I've known so far, since I've failed every time I've stopped drinking. I do need to make a Big Plan. I did once before, a few years ago, when I first read the RR book. I guess I didn't truly mean it, since I did drink again. Maybe I didn't understand it.
Think I need to go back and read RR again, and then make a Big Plan. And mean it this time. Thanks for your help hypochondriac and freshstart.