Hi Becky,
Just wanted to add my support. I've been in your shoes and know how difficult it all is. I left my husband 15 months ago. He's made every promise in the book and said every word I ever dreamed that he would say. Only.....I've waited for the actions to back all of that up and have not seen anything to speak of. Now he's saying he will commit to "it all" as long as I have a relationship with him while he does it. Same old same old.
Yes.....all of the words and promises sound like all we have ever dreamed of hearing. Great - maybe they are for real. But remove yourself and let him prove it for a long time....like a year. It's easy to say whatever needs to be said to keep you right where you are.
Every time my husband roped me back in with heartfelt promises to change and clarity (temporary) of the issues I became a little weaker. It became harder and harder to get the courage to leave and stay gone....
I truly do know how difficult this is but I found that all of the promises and all of the insight was just an illusion. I don't know about you - but I'm tired of being hurt in the same ways over and over again.
If my husband wants to get sober, actually develop a recovery program, and still shows insight and commitment a year later then maybe I'll listen to him. Until then, I kow that it's just his "addict" singing the same song to me (only louder) that's always worked in the past. And...no...I'm not willing to put my life on hold any longer while I "wait" for him to change.
I'm glad that I've watched from a distance this time. In the past I always ended up back in my ring side seat and always had huge regrets. I would beat myself up for falling for the same sad tune once again. It's hard not to fall for it but you are entitled to hard core demonstration prior to any sort of reconcilliation.
It is hard to feel like you are hurting someone's feelings but when you know in your heart that you would hurt yourself and your kids by weakening this resolve it's easier to bear. He's a big boy.....and maybe that pain is exactly what he needs to fully experience to finally reach his bottom and get the help for him that he needs. Not for you, not for the kids, not because he wants you.....but for HIM. When the pain of using is worse than pain of not using.
Hang strong. You can do it. It does get better. Please communicate anytime......I'm here for you.