Originally Posted by
MamaKit 
Liz,
You wrote:
"Yet, as I grow, I see things that just don't fit anymore"
I think it is because you have grown that you see things just don't fit anymore.
You have one precious life. That's it. It's not dress rehearsal for another life you get later.
My life has been completely upended. I've lost my big beautiful home, I'm driving around in a 13 year old car with rust spots instead of the luxury SUV I had, I haven't bought new clothes for myself in I don't know how long ---BUT I am no longer filled with knots in my stomach on my way home from work wondering if AH is passed out, acting mean, or has driven drunk with the boys. I have no one telling me everything is my fault. I have no one putting down my worth, my opinion, my feelings. I choose this life - without him.
Do you think you are going to convince him to change? IMO, I agree with Learn 2 Live, he will get worse. What has to happen for you to make the move that you seem to think is inevitable (getting out)?
I'm not trying to convince you to leave him...that's not my place. But I wonder if you could make it a bit more clear and simple for yourself.
I'm starting to feel like maybe I'm pushing too much...I'm sorry if that's the case. I can relate to where you are somewhat but I have also had a taste of life now without an alcoholic at the center of my world.
You deserve to be loved and to be treated with respect. I hope you truly know that. I'm just sorry this is such a struggle.
Hugs,
MamaKit
I forgot to come on yesterday to respond, MamaKit. No, you're not pushing too much. Simplicity is not my thing, just ask my AH and he'll tell you I can't even answer a question with a simple answer. Probably one of my character defects that I need to work on: being more direct!
Someone recently pointed out to me that I may not have accepted that my A is actually an alcoholic. And, yes, that's part of it and it makes me feel guilty because I am sitting around waiting for him to 'get into some form of recovery' when maybe I am waiting for something that will never happen because he's just not an A? Or he will never come to terms with how much his drinking has affected the family?
I guess I feel guilty because I feel hurt and betrayed by his lies and misbehaviors and that I am not so sure it's over(the lying, betraying, drinking etc). I just don't trust him and I feel guilty because of that, too. I swear I was not raised Catholic so I have no idea where all this guilt comes from. I was raised in a very liberal environment where I didn't even have a curfew and didn't get into trouble when they found cigarette butts in my jacket, LOL! It's like this self-imposed guilt and I have no idea what to do with it!
Maybe I feel guilty because I call him an A, and he's never referred to himself like that? Maybe I feel guilty because I placed my own expectations on my marriage and things didn't work out the way I thought they should so I feel guilty? Maybe I am feeling guilty because he says stuff like, "I just want my wife back" and it makes me realize that I'm the one who's pulling away from our marriage?
And, then I go back to the memories!! Yep, recent memories where I sat around and worried about him getting a DUI and waiting for that phone call. Waking up at 2 AM to find him passed out on the floor and I couldn't wake him, thought he was dead. The words that came out of his mouth in the past 6 months that killed me emotionally and left me paralyzed realizing that this was the man I married? HUH?
I'm so confused. I want to make things work. I want to have hope for the future. I want to believe that he really is giving up the alcohol forever, even if it is without a program. I just don't know when or if I'll ever be able to trust him again.
This probably was meant to be in a new thread and I think I just needed to get my own thoughts out. Thanks everyone for the support here!