Originally Posted by lizatola

I totally agree and what happens in therapy is that the marriage counselor and AH gang up on me and press me to answer this question, "What do you want? What do you want? What kind of changes need to occur?"
Those are fair questions. If you can't define it, he can't do it. go simple like - 'I would like to agree that until next week's session there will be no name calling and no yelling and I would like for you to think about trying to give up alcohol and talk about that next time. Meanwhile, what can I do to make that easier?

I mentioned that AH isn't the same person I married way back when. He was on a positive spiritual path, he was done drinking(17 years ago), and he was seemingly changing to be a more positive person. I saw these as symbols of what was to come, us working together toward a common goal, raising children in a Christian environment, etc. Well, things changed over time and now I am where I am. Years of listening to him throw humanity under the bus, years of him taking our marriage vows and negating them verbally by telling me to just go get a boyfriend or to assume I would serve him with divorce papers, etc. It was all this poor poor pity me crap and I fell for it ALL THE TIME.Yes you did and that is a great way to train someone to treat you like crap. Only saying so because I once trained a spouse that if they were mean enough, I'd duck my head and walk away rather than stand up for myself
I would comfort him and tell him his good qualities, I would sleep with him to see if that would boost his spirits, and then I got resentful. I started wondering when he was going to start doing those things for me. When do I get to have an emotional day filled with inconsistency with my behavior and language? When do I get to complain and criticize all day long and expect everyone else to shut up around me?Ahhhhh don't you love resentment? It's like swallowing poison and waiting for the other person to die. FWIW I was kinda doing this recently, being pissed about all the hassles that my wife caused when she was drinking. OOPs. My sweet love of my life didn't cause it. Her addiction made messes and I stressed myself out trying to fix them. Look at me, Mr. Hero! Look at all I do for you. What an asshat I can be

So, that's where the resentment came in. Then the drinking came in and completely f*cked everything up even more. I needed to read ALL the posts here today and I hope that my threads help others who are new and coming to this board for help. It's one of the reasons I post so much, because I know there are those who aren't comfortable expressing their struggles. I know I play a huge part in this and I sort of feel guilty for not accepting him with all these changes in his personality. I never thought, years ago, that he would get worse in his attitude, that he would become worse in regards to his feelings about humanity and the beautiful world God created, and I never really thought that we wouldn't grow together. I just assumed that married people grew together, right? And, that's really what I'm coming to terms with.
Of course that's what happens, which is why about 1 out of 4 marriages survive. I gotta think that 25% is either lucky or they work at it and I figured out once that I can only control one of those

I'm growing, I want to change. I want to put down the rope. I want to get off the merry go round and I'm desperately trying to work through my faults and shortcomings and dealing with them, both with my counselor and with my Al Anon sponsor. Yet, as I grow, I see things that just don't fit anymore. I don't want to watch my AH smash things and justify it anymore. I don't want to see him drink anymore. I don't want to be emotionally exploited anymore(which he says he doesn't do even when it's clearly pointed out to him, he justifies that one by playing victim again). I could go about what I don't want but I still have to truly define what I DO want.
Where you said "I want to..." do those things, where you said "I don't want to"... don't. I am not minimizing it or saying it is easy but damn if it ain't blessedly simple

And, I still have to keep pressing on to my own emotional and spiritual maturity. I need to take responsibility for my codependency and control issues, for my own defensiveness, etc. And, that will take time. Just not seeing that AH will be patient enough because he has no empathy for others and wants things back the way they were. We can never go back, and that right there may be the problem.
Me too, sister... can I get an Amen on that? Some folks around here told me that the other day and I was like WTF? but wow. The lightbulb went off and it is amazing how much my life and my marriage improved in about 2 seconds. I started controlling the one thing I can control and my sanity started to do a u turn and head back my way