And here is the thing - it does matter. All those months and years of chanting to myself was not acceptance. It was me, ignoring my truths, telling myself that *I* did not matter. That my needs/wants/feelings were not important. My xah didn't have to brainwash me with all the endless verbal diatribes and abuse I read about here because I did it to myself.
I identify with this in a way that's way too close for comfort.
When you mentioned that he couldn't be the person you needed, I think like that too. Then, I start thinking that maybe I just set the bar too high?
From my perspective, this man who is an active alcoholic can't be the person you need, which is a mature, adult partner. He can't be a partner to you, emotionally or sexually, he can't be a sounding board, he can't be a co-parent, and he can't be trusted. You can wonder if you set the bar too high -- and yeah? If you're going to stay married to an alcoholic for the lifestyle perks, you will need to rework your expectations.
At your own peril! You spend a lot of time excusing his unacceptable behavior and minimizing the effects of his drinking on you, your son, and your general household. These stories make me cringe.
On the other hand, you could give up the Audi/BMW/tennis vacation lifestyle for now and get away from his antics, get your son to a safe place, take real care of your animals, and have a real shot at happiness and fulfillment yourself.
Keep venting, but this is my two cents.