Hello all!
I am brand new to this site (and the idea of online forums all together) and have spent a lot of time reading posts from different forums over the past week. I finally worked up the courage to create an account and share my recent experiences in the hopes of gaining some insight and advice. Thank you in advance to anyone who reads this and comments on it!!
So I have been dating my boyfriend for about 3 months now. He is related to my best friend so we have known each other for about 8 years but were never really that close and we just started hanging out and becoming romantic recently. He has amazing qualities that I want in a partner- smart, funny, gentleman, hardworking, close to his family, good with kids, good looking, etc. We get along great, have fun together, I can 100% be myself with him, and he supports all I do (new job, grad school, future plans, etc.) He claims he has never met anyone like me before, has never had this good of a relationship, and is the happiest he's ever been. He even went to far recently to say he thinks he's falling in love with me and he sees a real future with me (which I agree with).
So why am I posting here if it's this great, right? Well he's a recovering addict and some things are very very difficult. Like I said earlier, I'm hoping to get some advice on how to cope with some issues we've been having.
A little background on his addiction-- he started smoking pot and dabbling with Ecstasy when he was a teenager (16/17 yrs old I think). That eventually turned into trying coke, then being hardcore addicted to pain killers for about 4 years to eventually heroin for a little bit. I know he's tried pretty much everything, but snorting the pills was his drug of choice. He has been arrested over 10 times, stole thousands and thousands of dollars from his parents, went to jail for 4 months about 5 years ago, and has been to rehab twice. The good news is that the 2nd time in rehab was successful and come February he will be sober for 4 years! Yayy!! (He has also 100% quit smoking cigarettes, chewing tobacco, and drinking alcohol) He goes to a few meetings a week and talks to me openly about his past. He told me everything less than 1 month into dating and is very honest about it all- never tried to hide a thing.
Now I knew him during his rough years, but we were not that close. And when we started dating he was (as I mentioned) already sober, has a great new job, new apartment and truck, new friends, rebuilt the relationships with his family (along with paying them back little by little) and overall looks and acts so much happier than the skinny, punk teenager I knew years ago. However, as our relationship progresses I see a lot of unresolved issues that concern me, especially if we want to have a future together...
The first is all the guilt and regret he has from his past and what he put his family (and his ex-girlfriend) through. He refuses to forgive himself and claim he never will. He literally down right hates himself and has become an expert at self-loathing. I feel like when he looks in the mirror he still sees that junkie from years ago and not the amazing guy he has become. I remind him all the time that the fact that he even shows remorse for his past proves that he's a good person. I also tell him that (in my opinion) he won't be able to truly love me until he can love (or at least be able to stand the sight of) himself. He just has so much unresolved pain. He often claims that he doesn't deserve good things and will never be happy with life. That scares me because if he's never truly happy, I'm going to feel like it's my fault and like I'm doing something wrong if I can't make him happy. It also kills me to see such an awesome person that I care about so much say those awful things about himself. I would feel that way even if we weren't dating. It just makes me sad. When I do nice things for him (buy him something little, bring him dinner, clean up his place a little because he's busy working 60 hours a week) he doesn't respond how you would think a grateful boyfriend would. Instead he says things like "Why would you do that? I don't deserve it. I'm a piece of **** and you shouldn't waste your time on me. You're too good to me." What do I do with that?
The next issue is his daily stress and anxiety. I'm not sure if this is related to his past addiction (maybe it's what got him to use in the first place) or if it's common in recovery or what, but he is often times on edge and tense, and it can lead to him being very negative and impatient. I want to put it out there that he is not abusive in anyway, and is very good to me. Yes, we fight, but he doesn't yell at me for no reason or any nonsense like that. None the less, these erratic mood swings and unpredictable highs and lows are really frustrating and hard to deal with. We'll be doing something or on our way somewhere and some little thing happens that pisses him off and BOOM! He's done, night is ruined. Often times he doesn't want to go places or meet new people because he feels on edge and nervous. He also really self-conscious, so when we are out he shuts down and people often assume he's bored or not interested. If only they could see what I see when we're alone! He's so awesome and funny, just not always comfortable showing it. It then puts me on edge and limits our social life as a couple.
I've talked with him about needing to develop better coping mechanisms for anxiety and stress, but he doesn't know how. He says he'll try, and I know he means it, but when we try to toss ideas around we can't come up with anything except counseling, and he REALLY doesn't want to do that. I'd also like him to improve his communication skills. He's good at talking about events ("I went to jail" "I went to rehab") but not feelings ("I'm frustrated" "I'm scared") He sees that as a sign of weakness. Even when he opens about how he feels about me, it's few and far between and usually when we're laying in bed because he's more comfortable showing physical affection and being intimate than he is actually talking about feelings.
I just want us to have a happy, healthy relationship. I'm not even as worried about relapse as I am his mental and emotional health. He carries so much pain and gets so down on himself. I try to help the best I can, but there is only so much I can do. He rejects a lot of my ideas, but doesn't come up with his own. Yet claims he cares about me and will do whatever it takes to not lose me. I really really want this to work, but do not want to become a codependent (I've been reading a lot about that lately and fear I already sound like one...) and I also don't want to put my life on hold trying to fix someone else. I'm not trying to be selfish, but I'm a young adult and that's the honest truth. I'll work for this, but it can't always be this hard. I don't want to lose myself in the process. But, as of now, the good outweighs the bad with him and I want to give him a chance.
So I apologize for this long winded post, but man it felt good to get that all out! I would appreciate any advice or insight on this matter. What can I do to support him? What can we do as a couple to be healthy and successful? I look forward to getting to know you all through this site and wish you all the best of luck with your journeys as well. Thanks again everyone!!
