Hi Meg
You sound desperate right now and I hope you decided to get help - be it doctors, hospital or/and AA.
Just try and think about what you are doing.
My work life involved some get to togthers where drinking was top of the agenda. I blacked out at a lot of them. In front of CEO's, colleagues, senior management.
Don't do it.
My actions still haunt me.
Work people are often not as kind as friends and like to gossip and judge. Then that does really make you paranoid. Co-workers can have a habit of bringing stuff up again and again and never et you forget.
I work in a small industry and people jump to different companies, so there is no getting away from it unless I change career which right now is impossible.
Don't get your yurselfinto any situations where work and drink are together. They do not mix at all.
If you have to go out and be a team player, have soft drinks, stay an hour then leave.
It's not worth it, really it is not.