Welcome Meg! I saw myself, too, in your post. I'm sorry you're hurting and miserable. It doesn't have to stay that way - you can turn this whole thing around.
Everything will get better once you get some sober time behind you. You can heal and feel hopeful again. I drank almost all my life. In the end, I drank all day. I woke up and started with beer to calm my shaking. Then I took it to work, because I'd start shaking if I didn't have it in my system. It was a living hell. I don't know why I convinced myself I needed it so badly. Once I was off it, the relief was amazing.
You can have a whole new life, Meg. One where you are proud of yourself and wake up looking forward to the new day rather than being filled with dread. Drinking killed my spirit for many years - but I got it back. You can, too. Please keep posting and let us know how you're doing.