Liz, I am recognizing many of the behaviours which you are describing. None of the ones I saw, however, were in any way connected with alcohol. That doesn't mean that alcohol isn't playing a role in your situation. It obviously is amplifying the problem. But I would suggest that as a useful exercise you temporarily de-couple the two issues of alcohol abuse and mental illness.
A book I found helpful many years ago was "When Madness Comes Home: Help and Hope for the Children, Siblings, and Partners of the Mentally Ill" by Victoria Secunda. I found it contained many stories with which I could identify. At the time, I was more focused on being a child and sibling of someone with mental illness, but there are large sections dealing with partners and wives, too.
Perhaps you might gain a slightly different perspective which may be helpful.