I see where you are coming from Liz. You aren't ready to leave this relationship, and that's ok. The pain of staying has not become larger than the pain of leaving.
That said, I also think you are searching these boards for the enlightenment that will one day lead you to walk out that door.
Congrats on seeking your own growth.
When my xah was watching doomsday preppers all the time, bought the stuff for and created a "bug out" bag, and was stock piling guns AS WELL AS drinking everyday, I decided the environment was too unsafe for me.