Hi, IWillWin, great to see you here and hear about how you are doing.
I've been struggling with my AV and white-knuckling through the past several months, and my sane voice has been screaming that we will NOT face my 40's with this monkey on my back.
I hear what you are saying here and I remember feeling like this. I found it easier on the brain to make a promise to do something, rather than to not do something. Does it make a difference for you to say to yourself, 'I will face my 40s stone cold sober, with peace and joy and relief', rather than the negative? It means the same as what you said, but I found that my knuckles didn't turn that color so much.
I feel such relief already...knowing I will finally be free.
I know this feeling of relief, too, IWillWin. I will suggest that you consider this: there is a simple way to multiply this relief x a million. Make a commitment, a solemn vow, to never drink again (some call it a Big Plan), and you can start that freedom from alcohol right this second. For ever, and for good. Then you can say, '....knowing I
am finally free.'
It's only good stuff waiting for you and there is zero downside. Are you ready?