Originally Posted by
Tuffgirl 
Hi Liz, I am again going to recommend reading Under the Influence; it really is worth the couple bucks it costs on Amazon. These behaviors that you experience from him will make much more sense, as will the disease process itself.
As long as he is in this place, where everything he has to offer is 'woefully insufficient', he can justify drinking. Who wouldn't drink with a wife like that, right? He's so miserable and unhappy, of course he drinks to soothe his wounded ego and frazzled nerves, and also to calm down his libido because you won't sleep with him on top of this emotional abuse. And on top of all that - he got in trouble with the law for drinking and in his mind has most likely found a way to blame you for that too.
My ex used to, in a very joking manner but always with a barb of paranoid truth to it, think I was conniving to make him crazy by hiding his car keys in the morning, moving things around in the house, and just generally making his life unmanageable. On purpose. The paranoia was veiled as humor, but it was very real. To the point that even though our sex life was healthy and normal, he still thought I was 'inappropriate with other men' code words for you are a cheater but I don't have enough evidence gathered through my secret intel in your life to make a firm accusation without sounding totally crazy.
The disease protects its perimeters, and you are threatening it right now.
So you can either accept his quacking and poor-me routine or just smile and nod your head and make comforting noises like "um-hmm" and then go find your happy place, knowing this is all alcoholic babble and so totally normal and classic to most addicts.
And, that is exactly what I'm doing. I can't wait to see what the therapist has to say to all of this as he is a recovering alcoholic and is probably pretty in tune with how alcoholics operate.
I remember one day, many years ago, when my AH was at the height of paranoia regarding our neighbors. This was well before he started drinking again: he started screaming about how the neighbors were going to come over and murder him, rape me first, and that our son would see this all and be damaged for life. He was screaming this while my son and I sat on my bed and while my AH was screaming, my son started crying hysterically. Yep, welcome to insanity and now he's on Paxil and all is well. Just ask him.
I do have that book, I've read it twice. I guess it's just hard to understand paranoia even after all these years together. And, yes, you're right in that it will give him an excuse to drink or to keep wallowing in his own self pity. Making himself look like the victim is much more appealing than taking responsibility for himself.
He keeps whining about how he sleeps in the other room, too, because if he comes to bed and I wake up and hear him snoring then I will leave the room. He says he can't even 'sleep right' for me. I have told him he's welcome in the room but that if I wake up I will leave so that I can get a good night's sleep. I have also told him that he can go to a doctor and find out the source of the snoring and that maybe he needs to do a sleep study. He just blows me off and would rather blame me than take responsibility for his health. I guess it's just easier that way.