something i learned from a councellor long ago that really helped me define my boundaries without coming across as "controlling"(and i did voice these outloud to my now ExAH) was to never use the word "you" or "your". for instance...instead of "I will not let your drinking ruin another holiday for me" I would say "I choose to not let alcohol destroy any more holidays for me." i dont know if it was the correct thing to do or not, but it somehow made me feel more in control of my life by saying them outloud, to him. (so long as i realized that yes, he will continue to get drunk at family holidays, and it would be up to me to follow thru and remove myself from the situation) maybe thats silly, but it worked for me