djayr

Oh boy, AW just got sober after almost 2 years of destructive vodka drinking. I moved out in May and I have my own apartment, while she continues to live in our nice suburban house which we own 50/50.

This past Sunday I took her to church with my grandma, something I have continued to do whether she is sober or not, and I am seeing that "real person" that I originally fell in love with -- yikes! She is hoping to save our marriage, with the usual expectation that I forgive and forget the incredible amount of pain, foolish behavior, and infidelity (which she denies to the bitter end) that destroyed our marriage.

The funny thing is, I'm attracted to her in this sweet and sober state and apparently I have amnesia as far as our many "trust issues". What the heck is wrong with me? Is this love or raging codependence?

I'm doubling down on my Al Anon meetings (2X per week) and I KNOW I need to stay away and let her recover on her own. But the wierd thing is how much easier it was getting if she stayed drunk, and now it's getting tricky because she's sober -- which of course is what I have always wanted for her!

I need to set some serious boundaries or this could get messy. Not to mention every sane person I know, friends and family of mine, who will have me committed to the nut house if I get back on the merry go round.

Yet when I was with her Sunday, and we were hanging around our house together, and she was being thoughtful and productive and hopeful, I was really tempted. OMG. You would think I was back in high school and the pretty cheerleader just talked to me. This is crazy!

Fortunately I have my apartment rented through February 1. So I can keep my distance, which I know I need to do. But it would be very easy to start "dating" her again, especially because that's what she wants really bad, and clearly I still have feelings too.

I am actually jealous of people who get divorced and they both just go their separate ways. A chance to start over. I haven't been able to do that, I'm stuck in this limbo that pretty darn wierd.

I'm kind of afraid to post this, this is difficult to admit, and I know it's crazy. But what the heck, it's true.

There's also the possibility that she'll do something awful (i.e. lying, unfaithful, drinking again, etc.) that will send be back to a neutral corner...but in the meantime, this is getting kind of complicated.

Is this as crazy as it sounds?

Thanks for listening . . .