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Old 08-22-2012, 11:34 AM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Thumper
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Join Date: Aug 2009
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Yes, the trick was not in getting other people to honor my boundaries. The trick was learning how to honor them myself.

I've struggled tremendously with boundaries. I'm still learning how to create and honor the intricate boundaries most people don't think about. I'm similar in that I don't communicate my needs/feelings/boundaries and in many cases people do honor them if they know them. I think healthy people make those small communications without much thought.

I like L2L's guideline post and did something very similar when I first came to SR. I used to have the template on my wall and was very methodical about it. It helped a lot.

With regards to the alcoholic husband I did eventually figure out one desperate boundary. The big one. I will not live with alcoholism and all that it entails. My words to him were almost that exactly. He didn't get it of course but that didn't matter. I would do what was needed myself to honor that boundary and in my case that was divorce.

I have lots of similar examples to your second situation with your friend and the airbag. My wish for myself is that someday I can quickly and easily say "I will not talk about xyz with you anymore." and then leave if they do. Depending on who it is I might follow up with "I feel xyz when this topic is discussed with you." It seems so simple, so forth right. I picture people with good friends and good marriages having these open and honest discussion and imagine it to be like that. I really don't know. I sometimes feel like I'll never have a good relationship because I have no freak'n clue what one is. it is all just pretend and make believe to me.

I've made an art of not only ignoring but responding with dead silence. I'm not sure if it is me or the other person (one person in particular) but if I utter one word things spiral like crazy and the dead silence is how I state my choice to not go there. This actually works surprisingly well and in other situations with this person I actually practice some short phrase that I can use to get her to leave the topic alone - and I've turned around and left too, or got of the phone. I need to be more assertive with her but find it hard. She's not very insightful and loves to tell me how I think, how I feel, what I should think and how I should feel, how my kids think and feel, what I should do differently, what I will learn, what I should make other people do :agh: blah blah blah. I should be able to respond to her more assertively but I have a hard time. It works when I do it. Practice practice
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