Old 08-22-2012, 11:08 AM
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PippoRossi
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Planet Earth (most days)
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New here...long story but I need to get it off my chest!

Hey, everyone. Glad I found this place. I've skimmed the forums in the past, but this is the first time I’ve actually registered and am posting. I'm going to apologize in advance if this is long-winded, but I've put some serious thought into what I want to say and think it's all relevant.

I started drinking as a teenager. Not a WHOLE lot, but enough that my parents locked up the liquor cabinet when they figured out my BFF and I were raiding the booze! I never was a partier so it wasn't like I was out every weekend. I also never drank alone but with my buddies.

Onward to my early 20's. Nothing too exciting there and every now and then I'd get tipsy, drank too much a few times, but never blacked out.

Fast forward to my early 30's...again, didn't drink a lot, but enough that my husband would frown upon my 2nd glass of wine with dinner.

Late 30's...husband gets laid off from his job in Feb. 2008 and accepts government assistance provided to him to pay for his "retraining." Essentially, this meant Uncle Sam would pick up the tab (tuition and books + unemployment benefits) for him to get his degree. In Summer 2008, hubby starts school full time going for a 4 year engineering degree (a very grueling schedule). We weren’t worried financially because was had paid our house off a couple years prior and I had a very good job that would keep us afloat money-wise.

In 2009, as my husband got more and more engrained in his school work, I spent more and more time alone, essentially becoming a “school widow” as they call it. I started drinking alone, taking nips of booze from the liquor cabinet at the end of the day, trying to take the edge off. At this time I got involved in Facebook and spent a lot of time there chatting with new “friends” and drinking while doing it.

In 2010, I started to realize that I was drinking a little too much and mostly I was drinking alone. I decided to ignore my best judgment because I thought I felt better after getting a few drinks in me.

In March 2011, I had finally had enough and went to my doctor. I explained to her my drinking problem and cravings I was having (for junk food and alcohol). Of course, I wanted a pill to “cure” me but she urged me to go see a drug & alcohol counselor and I conceded. I saw this counselor weekly for many, many months at the high cost of $75 per session. I didn’t run it through insurance because I didn’t want my employer (who just happened to be the insurance company) to EVER find out about my issues. Also, I didn’t want any future life insurance policies to have to take into considering alcohol abuse counseling for approval of a policy.

In December 2011, I had been sober since the March prior, I attended my company’s Christmas party. This was around the time I quit seeing my counselor. I was feeling strong and confident with my husband about to graduate from college the following week and knowing we would start to get to see more of each other because his schedule would finally calm down. I thought it was a good idea to have a beer at that Christmas party. Turns out my judgment was flawed. I didn’t drink, again, until the following week after my husband’s graduation when we went out for a celebratory lunch.

All I can say now is that the rest is history. My drinking has picked up, even much worse than before. Even though my husband and I started spending a lot more time together, a few stressful months passed before he was able to land a job. During this time, we started looking to upgrade to a nicer home which added to our stress levels. We closed on our new home about a month after my husband started his new job. Needless to say, the timing was bad and sent me into a tail spin of drinking…alone, as usual.

The home we bought needed some repairs so we took advantage of being able to live in our first home while doing some remodeling on the new home. With hubby being in a new job, that meant he didn’t have any vacation time and we have spent every weekend of the last four months at the new house getting it ready to move in. It has been a very stressful time and I drank more and more and then some more. Always alone and in hiding.

It has gotten to the point where I say things to him that I don’t remember, I’m not taking care of myself physically, my husband has started saying things to me like, “Your brain isn’t working right!” I don’t think he knows I am a closet drinker. If he does, he isn’t saying anything. I feel like I’m betraying him by hiding this horrible secret from him! He grew up with an alcoholic father so I’m pretty sure he recognizes the signs…or perhaps he just doesn’t want to face the pain that he grew up with and is choosing to ignore it. It kills me when he says, “I don’t know what’s going on with you!” and I lie to him and say, “I’m tired, is all.”

One thing that I am very ashamed about is an event we couldn’t attend because I was too drunk to make it there. Every year our city has a much anticipated road bike race and it’s attended by up to 20,000 + people. In Summer 2011, while hubby was in his last two semesters of school, we decided to make a reservation at the most expensive restaurant in town for the 2012 bike race. This restaurant is located right where the racers zoom by and if you want patio seating for the best viewing, you HAVE to make reservations one year in advance. We looked forward to this all year.

Well, earlier this summer on the day of the race, I decided to take a few shots of liquor (in private) to get loosened up. It was a very hot day and as we got in the car and headed downtown, it was too much for me to bear and I started to get violently ill. I leaned my seat back and my husband asked me if I was OK. He could see I wasn’t and turned the car around to go back home. I made him stop and I got out to throw up on the side of the road…he was holding my hand the whole time. We got home and I went directly to bed, crying for what I had let happen. We had anticipated this day for MORE THAN ONE YEAR and I f*#ked it all up!!! The next day I woke up and told him it was because of the heat and I was starting my period, which sometimes made me sick. Such a liar and I hated myself for it.

I didn’t drink for a week after that, thinking I might be ready to quit for good…again. But, no, that didn’t happen. I started back up and even was pretty drunk while we moved into our new home last weekend. My absentmindedness (i.e. my being drunk) is frustrating the hell out of my husband. This is when he always asks, “What is going on with you???” And I lie, and lie and lie! I’m so disgusted with myself.

I stopped drinking a couple days ago. I just can’t keep doing this to myself, to him, to US. After everything we’ve been through for 18 years and as hard as we have worked to get where we are today, I don’t understand why I am trying to secretly sabotage it all. What is wrong with me???

I have never, ever told anyone this story, so thank you for reading it.
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