A visual that helped me to understand the concept is to think of a room with a door that has a handle on the inside of the door, but none on the outside of the door. This way, a person has complete control of what comes in and/or what goes out. OTHERS HAVE NO ACCESS AT ALL!
The room, of course represents a persons physical and mental self.
An example of one of my boundaries is about trust. If I sense or have any evidence that a person is not trustworthy, my antennae are ALWAYS on high alert around them. I will not place my faith in them. I am not transparent around them, I do not share personal information with them, I do not share my tender feelings with them. Most of all, I no longer allow myself to expect them "have my back" --(lowered expectations), and I invest very little into the relationship (or potential relationship) with them. I detach from the relationship if I am already in it---OR, I do not make any movements toward forming a close relationship with them. I give usual respect and protect their constitutional rights when necessary, but, I draw the line at that.
99% of the time, they will never know how I feel. They don't need to know. It is vital for me to know, however. It is not about them (when I set the boundry)---It is about how I plan to protect myself, given what I know about their behaviors.
An example might be: If I notice that a particular guy is flirtatious with other women, and then he makes a flirtatious gesture toward me---I would NOT respond in like manner, and I would not enter a romantic relationship with him under any circumstances. Even if he were George Cloney--my blood would run cold because I learned decades ago to never, NEVER trust my heart to a flirtatious man. It is simply non -negotiable. (I control the doorknob from the inside of the room--George Cloney doesn't have the option, because his side of the door has no knob!)...poor george....
dandylion