[QUOTE=pauladmits;3542841]
]And yesterday I completely broke and actually drank during the day. The sad part is I knew before I broke that I'm slipping a bit and needed to come back to this site, so I drank yesterday knowing full well I was going to come back here. It was like I wanted to get as much alcohol in my system before I started. That kind of rationale amazes me. I always think I'm a semi-smart dude, but I make decisions that only an idiot can make. Pounding as much alcohol as possible before you decide to "quit" is insane.
I used to do that.
I would wake up and think never again, go to a meeting, feel better, think one won't hurt, stop for vodka, just a small vodka bottle, no a medium one is better value, drink it all and then repeat.
Or I would drink a lot. Feel bad. Read posts I could relate to on her. Cheer up a bit. Buy small vodka bottle. No medium one better value. Drink a lot. Think to myself does not matter, can read on sober recovery tomorrow. Wake up. Feel bad. Mope for a bit. Read on sober recovery. Feel better. Buy a small bottle..............
And on and on it went.
I think it's called white knuckling.