Hey there,
So, I am 30. Started drinking regularly at 20 and became a morning vodka shot drinker to "start may day" by 24. I was able to function normally for a few years, but it was a downward spiral. I moved from Chicago to Boston on a drunken whim when I was 25. I got a great job but got fired 3 years later because I drank at work and the "buzz" that I used to feel that kept me "alive" wore off and made me unproductive and irritable and just a drunk. I went to rehab and played the "on/off wagon" game for 2 years. During that time, I knew better but I always wanted to learn how to control my drinking, but as a true alcoholic, I cannot do that. I perhaps can for a night or two - a week or two - but not long term. I buy more, more, more and drink more more more to get drunker.
This last year has been tough. It's a progressive disease, and I never understood what that meant until recently. I used to drink and be happier, more comfortable in my skin. This past year, I drank until I alienated everyone. I lied to everyone who loves me (and I'm talking elaborate, terrible people lies that I'm not even ready to face now that I am sober.) I am ashamed and embarrassed by my behavior. I look back to just a month ago when all this happened and I want to hit myself over the head.
I became someone I hated. I hated waking up and having to drink so I don't shake and puke. I had to keep lying and lying. I fought with everyone. I dug up past demons that were buried and have burned many bridges with my family. They are over me. They know my struggle, they know I went to rehab, they do not have addiction problems so they do not understand but they are over it. I don't know how I'm going to end up repairing those relationships but hopefully one day I will.
I'll tell you this - if you wrote that post and you are honest with yourself, you will know that you are not a bad person and that the booze makes you a bad person. If that is the case, and you want to be a better person - the real you - you have to stop drinking. It's not simple. It's the toughest thing people like us will ever do - and it's SO HARD in the beginning, but after a few weeks of clear-headedness, you almost feel a sense of empowerment. You can be sober and succeed and perhaps even be happy.
If I were you, I would tough it out. Expect a crappy few weeks to get all this **** out of your system and move on from there. Drinking is so progressive...I never again caught the original buzz that I loved so much and I've been chasing it for years and hurt alot of people along the way.
One last thing - waking up and not having to worry about what you did or said the night before is a phenominal feeling. Try it. You may get addicted to that.
Good luck!