I scanned your last thread on moderation, and am glad you are back here posting. I think just signing onto a site called Sober Recovery is an important admission that this is indeed a significant problem. A deadly one, actually.
When I was still a functional alcoholic -- great job, etc -- quitting just wasn't in the cards. I had to to dig for a bottom where I could finally appreciate the ramifications of drinking, the total lack of control, of powerlessness, I had over alcohol. I gather you had about 45 days sober?Well, it wasn't until I was way over a year sober that I could actually look back and recognize the powerlessness I had over alcohol. And it was then that I was able to start doing the inside work on what made me an alcoholic. Drinking was just a manifestation of a lot of things that were just wrong inside of me.
Signing on here is a start. Talking about your lack of control over alcohol is a start. But there just comes that wham-o moment when you have to accept that two beers here, a half bottle of wine at dinner, results in buying that fifth a few days or a few weeks down the road.
You just have to accept that alcohol and you don't ix. Once you get to that point -- and I hope it's not after you lose your health, your job, your relationships -- you do find a new freedom. It's not going to be all rainbows and orgasms, but is a freedom you don't seem to have now.
I do AA, by the way.