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Old 08-20-2012, 11:26 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
FireSprite
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
My situation isn't EXACTLY the same, but I'm happy to chime in with what I think *might* be relevant. My husband is almost 13 months sober.

First off - I agree with other posters working your own program or taking part in some kind of individual therapy is pretty important. I'm not doing anything formal (due to time & money issues) but I do what I can. It really helps to understand your own issues before trying to explain them or start working on a resolution. I'm also diving deep into my ACoA issues now ~I think I just finally reached this stage~ because my journey with my AH has triggered insane amounts of repressed memories & trauma. New definitions, new labels, a longer hindsight view which allows me to see the larger patterns... it has changed the way I previously viewed some things that happened in my life. And that's all ME, for sure, not anything related to AH in any way.

I feel like I need to hear him tell me which things he really meant and which he didn't mean, and I haven't yet found a way to not need it. I try so hard to rely only on myself for my own happiness, but when I'm alone in my thoughts I still hear his drunken insults....
Yes, I know this feeling! Right, wrong or indifferent this is a REAL feeling to me so I can't pretend it away. It took a long time to silence that echo in the back of my head... & it's only just becoming less automatic. Some of it was me - I have had to learn to separate these echos from current realities & acknowledge that I'm reacting to the past not the present.... & then stop myself from bringing it into the present.

I have had success in the last few months getting RAH to understand this - but in the first 9-ish months he just couldn't see my POV... that if he's already apologized, how long am I going to HOLD ON to this? He really wasn't far enough in his recovery to have a clear understanding of my emotional injuries & that (to me) him apologizing before he really had this understanding was kind of an empty apology. Like a blanket statement that only slightly hits the mark.

"But it was just Drunk Talk!" he'd say.
"Ok", I'd say... "then let's have some Sober Talk!"
"How can I give you a detailed apology when I don't even remember the offending remarks or what my frame of mind was at the time?"
"Well, you can't.... but you CAN tell me what you REALLY think instead of letting me assume what I believe you think based on these old words.....let's walk back through this together & explain it to me with Sober Talk & then I'll have a new script in my head to counteract those old painful echos the next time I trigger."

It was difficult for him but that's mostly because every time I bring up something that hurt me, his feelings of guilt & shame would get so overwhelming he would just shut down. But, I feel like it's enabling to just say, "Oh - that's hard for you? It causes you pain? Don't worry, I'll just work it out on my own... after all you did apologize for 'everything'..."

Um, no. I've spent years accepting these kinds of generalizations & that doesn't work for ME. (I realize we're all different) I don't keep an inventory, I don't have an ongoing list of grievances..... I deal with these triggers when they pop up, trying to get a clear understanding of it first & then if it isn't something I can 'fix' by myself I bring it up as respectfully as possible.

So now when I hear those old words spring up at times when I'm feeling low, I remind myself of the conversations we've had in replacement. Slowly, over time, the old has less power & the new is easier to recall. I spend less time wondering what he really meant & it has helped to soften some of the triggers that set the whole thing off to begin with. TO ME, this is part of rebuilding our relationship. I just can't pretend all those years, all those words, all those hurts just didn't happen.... & I can't pretend that they didn't & don't still affect me at times. I don't consider it dredging up the past if it is still affecting me now in the present, but that's just me.

It's not nothing to me...it's important, and mostly I just want to know it's not because of something wrong with me, or maybe now that he's sober he realizes he isn't quite as fond of me as he thought.
Yes, it IS important because it's important to you. If you feel it, it is REAL and your feelings are valid & deserve to be addressed.
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