itsmylifenow

My last post on Friday was so full of anger and hatred towards the xabf that I couldn't get rid of him fast enough. The messages were strong, the feelings were stronger and I was so sick to my stomach.

Saturday comes along and I suddenly start looking for him. Wondering if he's looking for me. I get angry about something and find it the reason I need to contact him. We argue on the phone, he's feeling bad, I'm feeling bad and he wants to come over.

Finally confesses to me that he lied, he did sleep with the ex but says it was back in January when we were apart and not now. He turns it all around, makes me forget how angry I was. Makes me wonder if I overreacted to what I heard.

I don't know what this is, don't know how to handle it. When he pushes me away, I feel the need to run to him, apologize and make it all nice. We just had a huge argument an hour ago because I told him I couldn't trust him, and how was he going to take care of that? It got ugly, he said mean stuff, and I just left.

But, now? I'm sitting here wanting to call him. Wanting to smooth things over.

This is VERY sick to me. Why am I doing this? I need to find help soon or I am going to just keep repeating this more than I already have. As it is, I feel like I am trapped in this relationship because I'm always back in it. It feels like a bad movie that continues to play over and over and there isn't any way out of it.

I feel I need some serious help for my mind right now, just don't know what the answer is.