I would also like to add that I have to agree with soberkittyCat. Thinking back, I stayed married to my children's father longer than I would have for just myself because my heart came to a standstill when I contemplated the effect of dismantling their family nest.
When I married and had each of them (3) , my highest ideal for them was to have a secure and warm home with the love of dedicated parents. Isn't that what we all wish for our children if we love them at all? This is a powerful motivator and I believe a valid one. It holds families together.
As I learned, though, the problem comes when REALITY must be considered. Unhappy fighting parents, in a toxic atmosphere, makes that valid ideal vanish like a puff of smoke. The two things are not possible simultaneously. It is the toughest reality to wrap your mind around.
In reality, what children need most is a safe, predictable environment where they feel "seen" and valued by their caretakers---a nurturing environment. They don't stop loving a parent just because that parent isn't present every single day. A parent can show love even if not present every single day. Given a nurturing environment, children are amazingly resilient. One consistent, healthy parent--while not the ideal, is better than two sick ones together. I had to learn that. I left the marriage when I realized that they would never have a happy mother if I didn't.
Also, It helped when I learned that children think in the more immediate sense that we adults. We have to see the bigger picture, and their tiny brains can't do that, yet. Their reality comes in small segments--more like 24 hour segments. If they can go to bed at night feeling safe with their day's needs having been met and can predict the same for tomorrow---they can thrive.
One just has to go to the ACOA or CODA boards and read what the adults have to say about growing up with addiction in the home (and other abuses) to see the tragic damage it does to the children. Children should never have to live with that. (or any form of abuse, really).
Sorry for the long-winded answer, but I just had to add this, as it might possibly help some parent struggling with this painful dilemma.
dandylion