I lied to myself all the time. Not even sure I was in denial or not, because I read all the books, I knew my X was an alcoholic and abusive. I actually wanted to believe that there was something wrong with me, because I knew that I was the only one that I can change, so I kept trying to change me. I didn't want a divorce for all the reasons that you don't, well, actually, my children were already out of the house by that time, and that is how long I lied to myself.
Then I knew I had to leave, I couldn't change anything else about me, except to go back to where I was years ago. I was naive, I had no self-esteem, no self-confidence, in plain english, I was a "stepford wife". I didn't want to go back there, but that is where he wanted me. So I left.
There were so many things that I have never done. He paid the bills. Not once have I missed a payment. The only thing that I find that I cannot do without him, is to lift heavy things, well you know what, my neighbors help with that.