I lied to myself the whole time I was with my XABF, (I knew he drank too much the first week) so much so that I almost got an ulcer, I also distanced myself from my family and friends because I knew I couldn't look them in the eyes and say I was honestly happy. It was so bazaar, it was like I was a split personality or something, it was sick. I lost touch with my spiritual side too, because my spirit knew he was wrong for me, but I didn't want to admit it.
I think back on it and wonder why I stayed, was I insane? And I think it comes down to not feeling like I really deserved any better. It was also sickly comfortable being with an alcoholic because I grew up in a house full of alcoholics. I also didn't think anybody else would love me as much as he did. I quite honeslty just wanted to be loved and I convinced myself that it was therefore okay to stay with him. But I realized, at what cost? Losing my spirit? Losing myself?
Sooo, here I am 4 months later, trying to love myself, and that should be enough, right? It's not been easy, it has been almost foreign to me, to love myself. I have my good days and my bad days. I never realized how much I depended on another persons validation to make feel worthy. I have been single ever since I broke up with the ex which is actually kind of a record for me, (sad to say) but it actually feels pretty good.
I know being single is really the only way I will learn to love myself without depending on another person to make me feel loved, and I think its crucial for my recovery. It's tough though, I'm getting there though. I also feel connected to my spirit again. I am trusting my gut again. And most importantly I have faith again! I feel I am on the right path and I KNOW good things are in my future. I never felt that with the ex; my future was bleak.
I am back in touch with my friends and family but mainly I am just spending more time with me, getting reacquainted with ME, learning about the things I like do, not what someone else thinks I should do or what I think others want me to do.
It gets lonely at times but I remember that there are lots of people out there that are single and I am not the only one lol.