Do you cry?
So, my therapist was really getting on me about my defense mechanisms and how I stuff my feelings and never cry. She said there were 2 times that I teared up in her office and I pushed it down and managed to stop the tears.
I realized that this is a habit from childhood. My dad was not emotionally mature and couldn't handle it when we cried. He'd tell us to knock it off, quit our whining, stop complaining, etc. but he was the biggest complainer in the family. My mother is about as emotional as a robot. Love her dearly and she has made her parenting mistakes, plenty of them but she's accountable for them and we have made peace and there's been forgiveness and acceptance. She just doesn't express emotions like normal humans do. I still have NEVER seen my mother cry. I heard her choke up on the phone once when her friend died, but that was about it.
My therapist asked me when was the last time I cried. Honestly, I don't even know. I make light of my troubles, I downplay them, and I don't believe that crying does much for me except give me a major headache. Anyway, we started discussing how I put up defense mechanisms of my own and I realized how they started as a child. I had to make light of my troubles or else my dad would bark at me and complain that I was being too much of a girl.
My AH has said over the years that I'm like a guy when it comes to expressing emotions and it's one of the things he liked about me. I wasn't weepy, sentimental, and clingy. If anything, I AM a lot like many men: stoic, standoffish, unemotional, sarcastic to downplay stuff, and I even make fun of myself when I'm embarrassed. Is anyone else like this or is this just me? I seriously have no idea how to BE emotional. I feel emotions, but I don't allow myself to fully express them or I let them out via other avenues like sarcasm, humor, or avoidance.