ukiah77

I am 35 and still living with my functioning AH. Married for 9 yrs, 3 children under the age of 6. Good days and bad, the bad days are BAD. No physical abuse, just verbal, not like that's ok. I keep reading the phrase "detach with love." I know they say that means don't try to control him and just go about my life and do things to better life for myself and the kids, etc.. I do that already. But last night, after I ate dinner alone, did the dishes, put the kids to bed, and finally sat down, getting ready to go to bed alone, (AH in the garage drinking the night away) I realized that my "detaching with love" has become nothing more than me accepting a marriage that really doesn't even exist. Accepting that the man I love no longer shows any interest in being an active member of our loving family. Accepting that eating and going to bed alone every night is normal. Accepting that I have to be 100% responsible for all housework and raising/caring for the children. Accepting that I can not rely on him for much of anything, other than bringing home a paycheck. He thinks that because he works fulltime, that he's not an alcoholic. We've had a million talks, I've begged, I've cried, I've gotten angry, set boundaries, asked him to go to counseling with me, he tried to quit a few times on his own, with no success. I guess my question is for anyone who decided to stay and ride this rollercoaster for whatever reasons, what does "detach with love" mean for you? And how do you live like this?