I am checking in, even though I've drank a few shots I'm not like incoherent or anything....
I appreciate the support. What I know right now is that drinking is killing me...but lack of hope is the worse problem. I've got to stop worrying about meeting others expectations of "being responsible". I've got to give up excuses to drink (I can turn anything into an excuse).
I went out with my dogs to watch the sunrise. When we moved here it was like a dream come true and now I hardly see the beuty because I'm drinking and people pleasing to cover it up 24/7. I know the benifits of sobriety long term won't show up in 2 days. I have to really commit.
Dee, Hevyn, Ezy and Paperdolls...a special thank you, although I thank all of you REALY. Sometimes the embarrasment is the hardest to overcome.
The basic plan is that Tuesday at noon is my last drink. I have Wednesday off and mom is going to be here starting Tuesday afternoon. I really wanted to stop today and have 2 days to be sick...but I can't seem to push my way through that. I'm still so tied to people....its like someone has to be watching me for me to get through the first 3-6 days.
I'm going to clean the kitchen today so the house doesn't smell....responsibility. I'm going to go grocery shoping so we have food and don't have to order out...responsibility. I quit school for the next few months so that I can't use it as an excuse. I quite doing dishes and taking out trash just 2 weeks ago...but thats a long time! My son has to distance himself from my alchoholism and I am proud of him for doing so. But he will work with me to get to the store (he wants to eat too).
Once I'm sober I can re-evaluate all this crap. Right now my focus needs to be don't pick up the stupid drink. If I quit drinking things are gonna be tough in terms of integrity (lost alot of that the last 9 months), but I do know that if I can get that back I might find some happiness/contentment/hope.
I may check in tonight if I'm not just wanting to whine. Hope I don't sound like a whinner...I understand I brought this on myself through my lack of sobriety. But I am where I am, and now I have to STOP DRINKING! deal with the initial pain, and change.
Ananda