Originally Posted by lillamy

Hi and welcome to SR!

First of all, GOOD FOR YOU for going to Al-Anon! It took me MONTHS to feel comfortable and at home in the rooms of Al-Anon, but it did happen. So look at it as any other healthy habit you're trying to establish and just keep doing it even if you're not feeling it right now. And if you have the opportunity, try a few different meetings -- they're not all the same and it took me a few tries to find one where I felt at home.

Thank you so much and yes I have been investigating some different meetings. I have found one women's group that I really love!

Secondly -- boy, you've been through the wringer with this guy. I think it's very wise of you to get the support of Al-Anon and working your own program, because (I hate to tell you this) three months is great, but it's only three months. My AXH was sober for four. Recovery is a hard, hard road, and the best thing you can do for both of you is working on yours and staying out of his.

Yes I do try to work my own program and not interfere with what he is doing. I consider myself to be very supportive.

This: was a first for me -- I've heard many, many women use that tactic with their husbands exactly the same way. Low testosterone can be treated, I would be more concerned with the mental game playing part of your sex life, actually. I think breaking out of the habit of seeing "giving you sex" as a reward may be harder than fixing the biochemical issue.

It seems he is a master game player when he is using. And yes, I think you are right about being able to fix the health issue but that the reward/punishment side of things might be more challenging. I also think he has a skewed view of sex. He grew up in a very religious household so I think he might have issues with thinking of sex as "bad". I'm not sure about that but I have my hunches. I have always been very open and honest and it doesn't bother me one bit talking about it. He, on the other hand, clams up and gets almost embarrassed. If something sexual comes on TV he has to look away and AT me. He is very shy. All of that is okay and I knew that when I married him. It doesn't bother me but I think maybe as a kid he was taught that sex is bad? I don't know. I might have to look further into that; gently of course.

I left my alcoholic, so I have no advice on how to overcome issues like that and moving forward. This, however:

I can say a definite NO to. It is not possible to live with an actively abusing addict and have a healthy marriage.

Okay. Thank you for your honesty. I guess things will be a work in progress. I think I hold onto false hopes sometimes...a girl can dream right? But really I guess it boils down to what I want and what makes me happy. It would be a shame to have to leave him when I know things can be great. Damn those good years (just kidding - I have a humorous side sometimes - smiles)

But I wish you good things ahead with both of you pursuing recovery.