JrsJourney

Hello-

I am brand new to this site and fairly new to Alanon in general.

I must admit this is very hard for me to discuss. I am having problems finding "experience, strength and hope" with regards to alcoholism and marriage/intimate relationships. Any information you can provide would be greatly appreciated.

Here is a nutshell version of my story:

I have been married to an alcoholic and drug addict for almost 19 years now. He has been in and out of the AA program (alcohol is his main issue) for most of our marriage. The alcohol has led to drugs; smoking pot and some cocaine. It also led him to frequent strip clubs.

We have a son together that just turned 17. Prior to having our son our sex life was great. I must admit I am a very sexual woman. I like sex and I like the closeness. I rarely, if ever, didn't/don't want to have intimate relations with my husband. He, on the other hand, is not very interested in sex. Since I gave birth to our son, sex and intimacy has been nil to non-existent. The majority of the time I have been the one to make the first move and most of the time my husband is not in the mood. It seems once our son was born my husband's whole attitude towards me changed. He has told me, in the past, that he looks to me as "a mother figure" now and not in a sexual way. Later in our relationship he "took that statement back" and said he doesn't feel that way anymore and that he is sexually attracted to me.

We have been separated twice and reunited because of alcohol, drug use and strip clubs. When getting back together our sex life resumed and things were wonderful. At one point, we had a really great 6-to-7 year period in our marriage. However, since he was not working any program it seemed he always found his way back to alcohol, drugs and the strip clubs. I mention the strip clubs because when he would go there he would turn off his phone and not come home until 4am or 5am in the morning. At first this was once in a blue moon but it worked its way into being two or three times a month. Things always seemed to circled around, getting back together and then slowly making his way back to the drinks, drugs and women. Sometimes it took longer than other times to get there but he always got back there. Of course our intimacy ebbed and flowed with his addictive behaviors. He once told me the strippers at the clubs were like psychiatrists to him. He could go there and vent to them about work, me, our child and/or anything else he felt was a problem in his life. He could be open and honest with them and basically tell them anything. He has never admitted to having any sort of "outside our marriage" sexual relations with any other woman however he has been emotionally attached to a couple of women during our marriage. To me, that is quite close to cheating on me - it might not ever been a sexual act but moreso a mental and/or emotional affair which, to me, is the same thing. To be honest, I don't know if he has ever physically cheated on me. When getting back together I always agreed to move forward in a healthy way and forget about past issues regarding the strippers.

Lately he has had some instances with the law. It seems his "luck" for always flying under the radar with law enforcement has run out. He found himself in a holding cell for drunken aggression (bar room fight), has had a couple auto accidents and some really close calls. He was not arrested but these things have led him to want to live clean. He has been clean for a little over 3 months now. He did 90 meetings in 90 days. I basically told him when he came home after being in the holding cell that I had enough. I told him I was done. I said either get back into your AA program and work the steps or I couldn't live this way anymore. He has chosen to get back into AA, work the steps, has a new sponsor and has stopped his addictive behaviors.

One last thing I want to add before I get to the heart of my question: it seems my husband has used sex and intimacy as a way to punish me. He has admitted that. We have been to 3 different marriage counsellors (a couple of years each time) and he has said if he is angry or upset with me about anything he withholds intimacy and sex. He also said he would HAVE sex with me sometimes in order to "make me happy" and get my "blessing" to go out the next night on the town. He would placate me sexually and then go out the next night and drink, drug and go to strip bars. He many times came to the marriage counsellor after having smoked pot so many times he said a LOT of things he might not have ever admitted to if he was sober.

So, after all is said and done, a lot of bad stuff has happened in our marriage. However, a LOT a good stuff has happened too. We have had long periods of really good times. My sober husband is a wonderful man and I love him very much. If I didn't love him I would have been gone a long time ago. I do hang onto those good years. I know it could be great. I wish sometimes I didn't love him so I could just move on; either alone or with someone who doesn't suffer from this horrible disease.

One last thing, I was sick too. I did stupid things and acted badly and basically did a lot of things wrong. I wasn't working my program either. I don't want you all to think I was some victim. I added to the problems in my own sick way. I am not perfect and I totally understand my involvement.

Since my husband has been sober he has gone to the doctor and had many tests done. One came back as low testosterone which apparently effects sexual performance. He does love me. I do know that. He is a sick person. I get that. But honestly, do I need to prepare myself for a sexless marriage? Is there anything that has helped anyone else out there? I would never leave him because of this but I selfishly would like to have somewhat of a sex life with my husband. I guess right now I am driven by fear.

So ultimately here lies my questions. Is it possible to be with an addict and have a healthy marriage, intimacy and sex life? Are there others out there who have overcome issues like this and moved forward in a healthy and loving relationship? Can anyone share any experience, strength and hope?

Thank you for listening and thank you for letting me share. I look forward to reading what you all have to share regarding this.