I keep reading this thread because I am trying to get stronger. I appreciate the positive because I have no family around me to support, just friends who are sick of seeing me hurt for the umpteenth time. I know my value. I deserve more. When I sit here missing him, wishing things were different, I realize I don't miss this man the alcoholism has progressed into, I miss the man from years ago. That man is dead. I never wanted to give up on even just a co-parent relationship for our baby girl but I realize that if he had it in him to do the right thing, we would not be where we are today. I just need to let go of any expectation. He is horrible and miserable and I will not allow him to drag me down anymore.