nybord

Hi,
I would greatly value some feedback...here is my story...I am in a relationship with a nearly 30 year old guy, Rob...we have a beautiful 3.5 month old baby girl together....I drink on occasion...and must admit that once in a while, I have drunk to excess before I got pregnant a year ago...so I have not been anti-alcohol myself...I understand the affects of drinking and will not drink and drive and when I drink, I do it responsibly...I didn't see anything wrong with drinking once in a while socially...

But I am tryting to determine what to do about my relationship with my boyfriend...I would like to understand where the line is drawn and when/how it is you can determine that someone is an addict and should not be allowed to drink and if they do, you should cut them out of your life versus someone who was just caught up with their friends, getting out of control for a time and then when finally something bad enough happens, you can believe them when they say they have realized they were out of control and are now going to keep it to a minimum and will stop after just a couple drinks...since there is no blood test or anything to say that a person is truly an alcoholic, how do you determine a person should not ever be able to drink even one?

My boyfriend and I use to drink a lot together...all of his friend are very heavy drinkers...most of them are younger than him...22-26 in age...they also smoke weed daily...and some dabble in coke...he was involved in all that while we were dating...he had just gotten caught doing coke before I met him and had a pending court date for the coke charge in January and he said he going to give up the coke...
Then I got pregnant last November, against all odds...he was so excited...told me he was ready to settle down...he was old enough and had partied enough that he got it out of his system and want to be a family, etc.. and he was great...he moved in and helped me with all kinds of things around my house...it was wonderful for about 2 months...he still smoked with his friends on occasion and drank but within reason...
Then in January he went to court for the coke charge...they put him on probation, which meant no coke, no smoking stuff, etc...when he got that punishment, he just seemed to have gone off the wall...he started going out with his friends every other night til 2:00 in the morning drinking (even during week nights and sometimes even all night he would be gone with no phone calls or anything) and since he felt he couldn't smoke weed since that would be detected, he started to do coke because that only stays in your system 2 days and he could guess when he was going to be tested...that went thru February and March...then he failed a probation drug test for coke and he got in house probation in my house during May...
Again, for that month, all was really great...his friends couldn't come over and he couldn't drink or do any drugs...he was fine...he wasn't irritable or anything because he couldn't drink so I figured maybe he didn't have a problem after all since he was doing fine without being able to drink. That month he helped me with so much around the house and was so loving and thoughtful...it was the best!...
But the day he got off house arrest, he went out...he was still supposed to be on intense probation, meaning no alcohol or anything, but he said that since alcohol wasn't illegal, they really couldn't lock him up for 'a few beers'...
So he started back with going out every 2 or 3 nights, with his friends, drinking til 2:00 or so in the morning ...and then I guess he was foolish and smoked stuff and did some coke while he was in that party mode with them and he failed another probation drug test in June and he got locked up June 20 for a month for violating his probation, to be release July 20.
I was due to have my baby July 24th, but I think due to all the stress, I went 3 weeks early and had Ashleigh, July 2 while he was in jail...he called crying and begging me to forgive him and swore he would be different when he got out.
They released him July 20...a Saturday...a group of his friends, who did not come around the whole time he was locked up, came to the house and started him partying to celebrate being out....and then again, he started going out and drinking to excess...he wasn't going out every other night...he cut it back to 2 or 3 times a week...but he was still drinking til 2:00 when he did go out and and he steered clear of smoking weed and coke. So anyway, he only lasted 3 weeks before he failed the probation drug test for the morphine pills...he thought that he wouldn't get in trouble for those since they are not illegal and said he was just foolish and stressed because of the baby and feeling bad that he missed her birth and had no license now, etc...
He got locked up again August 17th...he is still in jail...over two months now...again, none of his 'party friends' have gone to visit him or call or anything...the prison gave him a drug and alcohol evaluation and they are talking about sending him to a 28 day rehab, which he asked if I thought it would be okay if he asked to substitute intensive outpatient counselling, since he says he just needs to be educated and made more aware so he can learn to control his drinking and be more responsible about it...he says that since he is not an 'addict', he doesn't need the complete rehab...he is calling me begging me to forgive him...swears he realizes that he was getting carried away with his friends...that he was just being immature and selfish...and that now that he realizes how much he has put me thru, he will be different this time when he gets out...he sees that people who he thought were his friends don;t care and I have stuck by him and he now knows how important I and his daughter are to him and he is so sad to be missing her growing up...he says that when he gets out we will be a family and he won't go out with his friends anymore...but he still insists that he will have a few beers once in a while after work...do you think that is possible?
How do I know if he can or can't do that? I have a baby to worry about now and I am concerned about letting him move back into my house after he gets released...he will have no job, no license, no money...and he doesn't really have a place to go...he swears he loves me and has learned his lesson and wants to be a good dad to Ashleigh...is it possible that he was just going thru a year of immaturity and was wrapped up with his friends but that his being in jail this last time with no one visiting him but me and seeing his daughter growing up without him, has hit home and wised him up and he can be ok and drink just a few beers?

I hate to be a hypocrite...like I said...I know I can drink a few drinks and stop and I do not have an 'anti-alcohol' perspective about life in general...I feel bad condemning him and saying that I do not believe he is capable of doing the same...so how do you know?
Should I give him one last chance? Or is he an alcoholic and I need to say he can only move back in if no alcohol ever...If he is an alcoholic and came to say he thought he was, I would be fine with never drinkiing again too so we could stand together as a team...and I told him that...but he says that since he is not an alcoholic, that is not necessary...
Again, any advice, feedback would be appreciated...