Im starting to notice triggers. The times i slip are when i get almost instantaneous catapult craving... there are cravings all the time but that im aware of that i can control, work though, get through the day sober no problem
Then there are the lightening quick "bang" and im on it without a second thought, as if my thought process is too quick to even contemplate... on a standard craving i can sit and think, no, if i drink, i may loose control, and then this may happen, that may happen...
The other type of craving is when something, usually an argument, anger, frustration or things like that kick in and its so powerful that im "over the road" before my concious mind has any chance to process what could possibly happen.
This is why i feel like a failure or different. The amount of times ive heard, well why did you do it you know what happens, and yet im asking myself the same question - why did i do it? it happened before i even realised or had a chance to think it through...
I dunno people think i make excuses left right and centre but i am 25 years old, i genuinely want a normal life not an alcoholic life, i am aware of the addiction, but sometimes its as if there is a complete mental shift where consequences are not even an integral part of my thinking mechanism... its so hard to describe