I have agreed to marriage counseling. He has agreed to stop drinking, but will not attend AA.
I don't make agreements anymore with my RAH. Somehow I have come to understand that these kind or arrangements with an A, even if they have been sober for a while are the quacking and just a set up to get them off the hook next time.
He locks you into something and then always gets to use it against you if you want to make a change.
Agreeing to stop drinking is the easy part. What is he going to do when the going gets rough and stopping drinking is not working?
It's funny but I think my RAH will forever resent my detachment from his recovery because in reality he can't blame me anymore. I don't know if it's possible but it would probably be worse if I let him make an agreement to me that he will not drink. He's in charge of his recovery and I like it that way. If he doesn't do what he needs to do to stay sober, he knows where I stand on this.
He tried to tell me how I feel sooo many times that it was ridiculous, creating scenarios that never existed in my own mind.
This is another tactic I am getting better at stepping away from. It seems that whenever I let this happen to me I feel like crap afterwards, but the times I am able to stop my RAH from shoving his thoughts about my feelings in my face and just let him know calmly how I feel and how he is mistaken in his thoughts I feel soooo much better.
IMO as someone else said, it really doesn't matter why your AH continues communicate with you the way he does. Maybe you could concentrate on how you are going to feel better about - your communication, your choices, your actions and your days.
If a conversation starts to go too far, I now put an end to it. In the past my RAH didn't like it because it didn't allow him to continue his manipulation. Now that he is a little further in his recovery, I think he realizes where he's headed although, I don't think he reflects much on it.
Also, I will never again put myself in a position to be financially dependent on my RAH. Just knowing that I am not, gives me sanity and clarity I need. It took me a while to get back to this point after staying home with my kids for a number of years, but I will never go back to that, now that my kids are older and I can manage working outside the home.
Sorry for such a long post. I see some of my RAH in your post, some when he was still active drinking, some no longer there now that he is sober and some even now still there. I am still not totally clear on who the real person my RAH is and where the "love, honor and cherish" in our marriage went off to. I am giving some time of letting go and let God as long as there is no active alcoholism in our home.
I hope you find your peace and serenity. (((HUGS))) lizatola