Hi everyone.
Wow just wanted to say what a clever bunch you all are.
Summary of my story (there are a few familiar names but I see TU is no longer around)
I'm 28 and drank socially from 16. By the time I was 20 it had progressed to addiction, the beast was born but I still lived a fairly functional life on the outside.
By 24 I made a decision to stop drinking, had read Allen Cars book several times (I liked it but it didnt keep me 'stopped' obvioulsy only I could do that) got hypnotised and didnt drink for over a year.
In that time met my husband (a heavy social drinker) who was perplexed by my abstinence but accepted it all the same. Then, when I was on a conference and the speaker was talking about the health benefits of red wine My AV (which I didnt know was my AV at the time) suggested that enough time had passed, I was in a committed serious relationship now and that drinking a few wines now and then was a good idea. So I did.
After that conference I had this deep knowing (the real conscious me) that the part of me that wanted to drink was separate from the 'real me' and that I didnt want to be that person (wild feral party animal) anymore. So I didnt...
But then a few more Beast attacks (which i didnt know were at the time) in subsequent months (9 months later first time then 6 months) with sporadic drinking episodes which lead to more frequent drinking (weekly in the end). A friend of mine who also had a drinking problem with far more serious consequences than Id ever experienced (DUI's car crashes etc) suggested that we both work on our problem and go to AA.
Looking back now I see that this was so counter productive to me dealing with my drinking problem once and for all. So I entered 'recovery' got a sponser and after a few weeks 'got sober' and stayed sober for over a year. Lots of crazy antics (13th steppers, sponsors suggesting I drank because I'd been sexually abused as a child which wasnt true etc rather than the truth which is I drank for the sheer pleasure of getting high) later and I found myself in a really difficult place. I wanted to stop drinking but didnt want AA and couldnt face going back through the steps with another sponsor and working a progam for the rest of my life.
Then I found AVRT (January of this year).
I'd love to say that I got it immediately and have been abstinence ever since but thats not the case.
I ended up doing 5 personal sessions with Jack Trimpey (via phone) which were fantastic but I still drank again and Jack even said to me "perhaps you havent got a good enough reason to quit, you're depressed by your drinking but haven't reached the point of total resolve to quit forever"
That point came though when after a night of drinking with no real negative OUTWARD consequences but I woke up sick and reviewed my text messags/emails sent the night before and it clicked. They were all Beast. When I drank I became this wild feral seemingly together woman who I hated. I realised that the Beast never changes all it wants is to get its stuff, screw the consequences (or the numbed out loser freak needy attention seeking feral woman I become under the influence) and will use the AV to try and persuade me that I actually want it too.
I've read through all your posts and Dalek your stuff about relapse was SO empowering for me. I knew from my work with Jack and reading the book etc that any self doubt is AV or crap like "oh yeah this again you've said you were quitting forever SO Many times and what makes this time different etc" was AV but you're framing of it that the Beast will point towards the fix and then when we get it use it against us is powerful. Even more powerful that while I knew this, I was still holding onto some 'powerless' thinking from AA RE my relapses were a sign of disasterous powerlessness and impending doom when in fact I had just SUCCECCED in drinking, my AV was able to seduce me into connecting IT's desire with my desire and I drank. Just like if a dumb arse loser boyfriend you'd dumped managed to convince you that you in fact did still love him and sleeping with him would be a good idea. It was never forced on me or outside of my control, I simply made a really stupid decision to drink.
Seeing it this way has made me realise even more so how impotent the Beast really is although entirely manipulative and will use any angle it possibly can to get me to drink again.
So thanks guys for being here. I plan on continuing to post because its enjoyable and empowering to have a spotlight shined on the AV and if these threads werent here then I would never have found AVRT to begin with and would be working on getting sober one day at a time.