Wow, interesting that we here are all having the same reaction to your post, Liz.
What I immediately thought after reading it was "been there, done that" It is so familiar it almost sounds like a page from my own journal. The only difference is the sex and work issues. There was no way in hell he would support me financially, he made that clear throughout by his repeated stinginess with money.
But the round and round conversations - the instant deflection of anything I'd say with a nasty comment meant to steer it all back on me - refusing to accept my opinions or expressions of what I was feeling - good heavens I am glad to be away from all that. It's madness, driven by the addiction.
If this continues to follow the path that my marriage did, my husband stopped drinking after one of these heavy conversations - and started smoking loads of pot. He started back drinking after about a month...at least this is what he told me. I know now it was highly likely he never stopped.
Then there will be another huge blow out - maybe a few - and he might try an AA meeting because you won't stop nagging him about it and he'll do it to shut you up. He may or may not take it seriously. He may say he went and really didn't. Or he may go and keep going, and then proclaim he is "RECOVERED!" and you should stop living in the past, beating him up with his mistakes, and that AA says he needs to focus completely on himself so you continue to be left picking up the pieces all by yourself, parenting by yourself, the usual.
Maybe he may change a bit, have some moments of clarity and understanding that alcoholism has trashed his family. But because you "forced" him into recovery, it won't stick, because underneath he is very, very angry at YOU for everything even though he knows in his head at some degree this is irrational. His ego is so big and needy that he won't be able to be humble enough to make the changes you really want to see (which is why you feel angry AFTER those talks).
Or maybe he might be one of the few who actually uses this as the opportunity to do something different, but it is rare.
It was a painful moment to acknowledge in all humility that I don't like the person my husband is. I would have never dated this guy. And the guy I fell in love with wasn't real, but a carefully built facade based on my wishful thinking and his desire to keep me around. The intermittent reinforcement routine.
Keep journaling. My a-ha moment was reading back 8 months and realizing I had written the exact same thing 8 months later. Nothing changes if nothing changes.