fading echoes
I have been dealing with a fair amount of some anxiety and loneliness lately.
A. Even though my ex kept disappearing to use crack...there was still plenty of time that he was around. I like having someone else in my life, I like sharing the small moments of life. I like the warmth and affection of connection with someone else. I liked having the strength of sharing at least a little of life's burden with someone else...even though it was sporadic and riddled with difficulty.
B. I made the hard decision to walk away from my ex. I would not have made the decision had he not kept "deciding" to use.
C. After over 5 months of the final walk away I decided to go on an online dating service. It's not as though I have had huge success. I had a nice walk with someone, and just the thought of preparing to meet, and the flirtation and fun that went along with it was kind of enjoyable...I thought maybe it would also help me to move on. I also am trying to take care of myself, to acknowledge my sense of loneliness and be proactive about maybe dating.
D. I have been realizing that my own self acknowledged "faults" or "cards that I have to put on the table" for someone potentially new in my life are part of my own self esteem. I realize that these cards are part of the decisions I make in who to date. When I met my ex I was willing to accept his own past and his desire to move forward as part of the "deal"...but I believed in recovery and thought we would both move forward together. He just kept "relapsing".
E. This morning I get a message from him reproaching me for being on a dating site...he said he had seen me there before we dated and decided to see if I was on there...and that he felt nauseated and that I "should never contact him again".
This just adds to my sadness, anxiety and self esteem. Now he thinks that he can reproach me, that he can pretend as though he would have waited (???) that he was more committed to the future possibility of us???
We have been no contact for two months (before that it was a bare minimum) and it is over five months since he rolled out of bed with me to go use.
Now he contacts me to say "don't contact me".
Just had to put it out there.
The after effects still lingering.
Processing here helps...