Tuffgirl, THANK YOU for posting that!
I think when I left AXH, I was so worried about my kids that I sort of transferred my codependency onto them a bit. And I have one kid with whom I have a hard time because she acts exactly like AXH. Which triggers me and if I don't watch it, I behave towards her exactly like I did towards him -- I went out of my everloving way to make sure she was happy regardless of what happened to me and the other kids. It was always about proving to her that I love her.
I didn't see it myself, but my new man observed an interaction this daughter and I had -- and he said, "it was amazing to see -- when you set a firm boundary, she calmed down. It was as if she was looking for that boundary."
So I've started doing that more and more. And it is working. She's still the dramaqueen of the family, the most high-maintenance one, but she is doing less and less of that attention-seeking "nobody loves me, I might as well go live in the woods and eat worms" kind of stuff.