I've spent some time trying to remember the first time I thought....
"Hey, dude.... you've got a drinking problem." I know it's not when I finally quit drinking because I was miserable at the end of my drinking and just drank through that misery to that point.
I'm not even sure now. I don't really remember the first real evident actions and feelings that should have told me. But I know at the end I had major alarm bells going off.
The Alarm bells below are what should have told I was really in MAJOR trouble. - Arguing with myself in the parking lot of the liquor store about buying more booze and losing the argument.
- Planning more drinking around social drinking as I could not drink ENOUGH socially as it was embarrassing. People would see how much I pounded back hard alcohol. And this is with a family of Irish hard drinkers. We encouraged drinking and I thought even my level of drinking was nuts.
- Having to spend my morning cleaning up cans and bottles.
- Hiding empties before people came over and saw just how much I was drinking.
- Running up my credit cards while broke for more booze I could not afford.
- Showing up at things, like helping my brother in law lay a floor so hung over I was almost useless.
- Being hungover while babysitting a friends kid.
- Going to more than one store to get booze so they did not think I was chronic (Fail, they did)
- Giving up on my appearance.
- Screwing up my work
- Drinking in the morning
- Hiding booze from my girlfriend
- Drinking her booze at her place. (how anyone manages to keep booze in a house without drinking it is beyond me.)
- Looking forward to when I can drink alone. Preferring that to anything else.
- Looking in the mirror and hating myself?
- I have pains in my side. Why am I still drinking?
- Driving drunk
- Not remembering going to bed every night.
- Waking up feeling wretched every day.
- Knowing I was not capable of being in a healthy relationship.
- Not being able to workout. I'm always hung over.
- Realizing I was such a mess I could not work on large projects and for the good of others I should avoid them.
- Getting into irrational fights with my neighbour (though he was an @ss)
- The last most devastating one is. "Well. I'm a drunk maybe I should just keep going." Just give up on a meaningful life with a possibility of happiness.
But I can't remember the first time it was just "drinking" to where my whole mentality changed. I suspect it started by degrees. I justified it at first. I deserve this or something. But By the end all those things were just out there. I could not deny it anymore.