I need to end my life with her but I don't know if I can.
Seriously, friend, I know of few people who wear recovery as well as you do.
And I honestly think living
without her would be easier for you than living
with her.
I've looked at you in amazement because you've been able to somehow continue living with her despite the heartbreak and the mayhem in the past, and doing that being aware of how fragile sobriety is. To me, that sounds incredibly stressful. Much harder than walking away. And regardless of what you choose to do, you will do it without rose-colored glasses and you'll do it well.
Because you're awesome that way.