Your response is pretty amazing - it's been a long time since I've had to deal with disappearing acts and relapses, but I have to tell you, I could never have gone on the trip - amazing inner strength you have there.
I still love my ex - but my life instantly became better when I left him - it was the most important/best thing I ever did for my own sanity and for those who love me. I haven't got everything right, but a life of chaos is no longer what I have. If you really feel you need to have her out of your life just know that you have the strength to make that a reality.
Wishing much goodness for you.