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Old 07-20-2012, 09:48 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
BlueSkies1
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Join Date: May 2012
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Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
Yet, I still stayed with him because I had that fantasy that he would grow up and be a real man, LOL.

I think it's more about my fears of abandonment that grew from my childhood issues more so than about my fear of making it in the world.

Not saying that anything was perfect beforehand but I was far more willing to work through things with him and trust him.
I didn't ever question his explanations or anything, I just figured he lies to other people but not to me. Now, I realize that he lies to me, too, and that kills me. The trust is gone and now I look in the mirror and ask myself, 'how did I get here?' I know it's all codependent behaviors, fantasy thinking, and clinging to those good times when things seem totally normal that kept me believing that the future with him will be better.

what am I going to do about my life? What do I really want?
Yeah, I know. I was there too.
Naiviete, for starters. Getting married with blinders on, ignoring red flags, or diminishing their importance...I did these things. Why? I suppose I hedged my bets, weighed the good against the bad, and decided at that time that the good outweighed the bad.
I too was making it on my own just fine, and didn't need him financially, and had plenty of friends and family around me. Then things changed, for lots of reasons. One was him offering to be the knight in shining armor and take care of money needs. When we make that deal--we give up our power, and find later that re-entering the work force where we left off can't always be done.

Another thing that happens is self-imposed isolation. Sometimes I didn't want to share with friends and family just what was going on. I was ashamed FOR HIM. Other times I did share, and as they were not professionals, they added to the drama, or simply were negative and told me to leave him, without discussing my issues with myself. It was wrong to expect friends and family to have the expertise of a good counselor.
So you thinking he would grow up and become a real man...in what ways was he not grown up/a real man before the drinking?
Where do the fears of abandonment come from? When you have those kinds of fears, the thought of creating the abandonment yourself (leaving him) is absolutely terrifying...like you would do to yourself what you are so afraid of others doing to you.
Which makes me think...you knew you had him hook, line, and sinker. He wouldn't leave you EVER...in fact probably will never leave you, as long as you don't cross the liine.
Hmmm...that sounds familiar also.
Let me ask you this to ask yourself--Where do you know NOT to cross the line, where are the lines drawn, when it comes to his behaviors, equality in the relationship, and open honest communication on the tough issues?
The two of you have made an unspoken agreement, you know.

I understand the pain of realizing that he lies to you. Blinders off. Is it acceptable? If not, what are YOU going to do about it?
I also understand looking in the mirror and saying How in the heck did I get here?
We make deals, we hedge our bets...we knew more than we realized we knew...and then also some of it comes as a shocking jolt out of fantasy land and into the reality...the reality that yes, you are not important enough to deserve the truth.
Been there, done that.
And still to this day the most sentimental thing for me is the sound of an airplane taking off...that was the best of the relationship...and I ran and wouldn't go on the last two vacations.
When things seemed totally normal they weren't. The good days are gone. Your blinders are off. You can't go back in time. There is only going forward, and how do you do that now that your blinders are off?
There's the rub.

Marriage counseling is a thought but they don't like to treat active addicts.

We make a deal--you take care of me this way, I'll take care of you that way. What happens when WE want to change the deal? He's happy with the status quo.
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