Originally Posted by
MadeOfGlass 
I could be seeing a lot of myself in you, or I could be off the mark, and you can tell me so if that's the case.
I see the comfortable lifestyle.
I see the deal with the devil--put up with his distancing, checking out behaviors of the alcoholic, and he will continue to support you financially and let you live life basically as you want to, 3 week vacations included, another with him to Costa Rica--this all sounds so familiar.
Then one day you take a look at who you are--and don't like what you see. Too much dependency, not enough of a mark of who you are on the world, and wonder if you could blaze forward on your own.
My question to you is--is it really about him, or is it about you?
Then you have to wonder...who will marry me, support me, let me stay at home and raise my child and not work, a child that is not theirs?
Where's my confidence in finding such a person? Are they out there? Look at that guy on the beach...maybe him.
It doesn't feel good to be supported for some of us. It feels diminishing, demeaning. But how do you start over with a special needs child?
Well I've been down that road, and you don't want to cut another deal with a different devil. You want to stand on your own, and that is going to take probably re-entering the work force, having your child in less than the best school...and other major inconveniences...maybe a lot less vacations...life would get tough, you would have to scramble sometimes just to make it all work...life would get really really tough.
Or, you can stay where you are.
Is this about his alcoholism, or is it about being less than happy with yourself?
I see you criticizing his weight and baldness...his baldness he can't control, and his weight, well, he's imperfect compared to the guy on the beach but the guy on the beach is nothing but a momentary fantasy.
For me, as much as I could point out his absolutely crazy behaviors...and it was so easy to finger point at him...it is so very very easy with an alcoholic...what I really didn't like was what I saw in my own mirror.
You know, for so long, I was willing to put up with his personality disordered self long before the drinking came back on the scene. For the first 3 years of our marriage before our son came along I was making my own money, had a career as a stockbroker, and had lots of friends and acquaintances. Yet, I still stayed with him because I had that fantasy that he would grow up and be a real man, LOL. I could have broken off at any time and been able to provide for myself, but I always loved him. I saw a broken man and I thought I could fix him. I thought being a father would help him grow up and in some ways he did, in others he didn't at all. I was living in fantasy land.
I think it's more about my fears of abandonment that grew from my childhood issues more so than about my fear of making it in the world. I also think that my attitude today is really about the drinking and what's happened since he began drinking. Once he started lying about his drinking, justifying bad behaviors, blaming me for his drinking habits, etc that's when the wheels came off and everything came to a head. I told him back in March that the DUI was the last straw, the icing on the cake, and that I wasn't sure how I felt about him anymore. It just seems like it's been one big cluster and it really got worse from the drinking.
Not saying that anything was perfect beforehand but I was far more willing to work through things with him and trust him. I didn't ever question his explanations or anything, I just figured he lies to other people but not to me. Now, I realize that he lies to me, too, and that kills me. The trust is gone and now I look in the mirror and ask myself, 'how did I get here?' I know it's all codependent behaviors, fantasy thinking, and clinging to those good times when things seem totally normal that kept me believing that the future with him will be better. I used to think that making more money would make him happy, but all it did was stress him out more. I kept saying, "Duh, when will you learn? He'll always be unhappy. He told you so himself that life sucks and he can't wait to die. Did you really think he'd change?" YEP, yes I did. Now, I'm finally facing the reality that he won't change and now, what am I going to do about my life? What do I really want?