I could be seeing a lot of myself in you, or I could be off the mark, and you can tell me so if that's the case.
I see the comfortable lifestyle.
I see the deal with the devil--put up with his distancing, checking out behaviors of the alcoholic, and he will continue to support you financially and let you live life basically as you want to, 3 week vacations included, another with him to Costa Rica--this all sounds so familiar.
Then one day you take a look at who you are--and don't like what you see. Too much dependency, not enough of a mark of who you are on the world, and wonder if you could blaze forward on your own.
My question to you is--is it really about him, or is it about you?
Then you have to wonder...who will marry me, support me, let me stay at home and raise my child and not work, a child that is not theirs?
Where's my confidence in finding such a person? Are they out there? Look at that guy on the beach...maybe him.
It doesn't feel good to be supported for some of us. It feels diminishing, demeaning. But how do you start over with a special needs child?
Well I've been down that road, and you don't want to cut another deal with a different devil. You want to stand on your own, and that is going to take probably re-entering the work force, having your child in less than the best school...and other major inconveniences...maybe a lot less vacations...life would get tough, you would have to scramble sometimes just to make it all work...life would get really really tough.
Or, you can stay where you are.
Is this about his alcoholism, or is it about being less than happy with yourself?
I see you criticizing his weight and baldness...his baldness he can't control, and his weight, well, he's imperfect compared to the guy on the beach but the guy on the beach is nothing but a momentary fantasy.
For me, as much as I could point out his absolutely crazy behaviors...and it was so easy to finger point at him...it is so very very easy with an alcoholic...what I really didn't like was what I saw in my own mirror.