People don't really go in to McDonalds to eat dry salads and drink water. They go there to indulge, they go there for instant gratification.
I was a professional DJ for 12 years. There are sober DJs but there are few and far between. I had to "retire" from DJing if I really wanted a fighting chance at sobriety. Nothings changes if nothing changes. And there sure isn't a reason for "testing" yourself if you're an addict/alcoholic by going into the war zone.
You've already admitted that you're trying to rationalize the irrational. That's got to be of some value to you right there. If reinventing yourself is what it takes to stay alive then there you have it.