((((((((((((Sweetwalls)))))))))))))))
I see through his honesty that this isn't about me, it is about him being ill which I cannot control!
You are so right and what a blessing to finally realize this...right? How long did it take you to realize this one simple truth? It's the key to our jail cell as codependents.
It took me so long to ACCEPT...I mean really and truly accept in my heart and mind....that alcoholism is a disease. My exah (who I have a child with) has been in and out of rehab 4 times...and in and out of locked psych wards 4 times. Each and every time, he went right back to alcohol (and drugs) in no time at all. He is currently living in a trailer with no hot water, no furniture, no phone, no food, no job, no family and no hope. Neither his family or I are going to rush in to 'help him' this time. No more forced rehabs. No more psych wards. You can't help someone who won't help themselves. So every day I say prayer for him (sometimes hundreds of little prayers a day) that God will relieve my exah of his suffering and that He will give me the strength I need to raise our son on my own in a healthy and stable home environment.
I think my exah and all active alcoholics are tortured souls. Although some find recovery, many don't. The disease progresses until they are institutionalized or dead. But we can't do anything to change the course of events because this is THEIR disease...THEIR life...THEIR choice to seek recovery or not.
I understand the anger. Anger is a valid and useful emotion. Use it to make changes. Get whatever strength you can out of it. Just don't get stuck there for too long.
Your kids are BLESSED to have a strong, loving mom in their corner. Don't forget that!!
Hugs and total understanding......
Mary