It's like a time warp. We are exactly where we were 20 years ago, except this time he's relapsed. Do I wait for him or reconcile with my spouse? Do I stay by his side and support him? If I reconcile with my spouse, I will not be "allowed" to have contact with him at all.
It seems more like an addiction merry-go-round to me. Your "love" is chasing booze, your are chasing him, and your spouse is behind you waiting for you and him to get off the ride. I guess so he can "forbid" you from seeing your "love".
It appears to me that you get on the ride or reconcile with your husband so you can avoid what you need to do for yourself.
Please, get off the ride, leave "R" alone and work on yourself. And only yourself.
You sound so sad, desperate and unhappy.
Trying to help an alcoholic will actually triple your stress, you said yourself you are heading for death. Do not rush in.
You deserve to live, live with faith in yourself.
Beth