While some things work for others but won't for you......here is what I did when I finally came to terms with the truth about our financial state. And while none of this may work for you - it's been very big for my own recovery! Remember, we must always find what works for us!
First, I opened a savings account. My own account at a different bank than AH and I have our accounts through.
About a year later, I opened my own checking account. (Ironically, the checks finally arrived about 2 weeks after AH moved out!!!)
I paid off MY car!!!
I paid and continue to pay off as much debt as I can that has MY name on it.
I called the credit card company that AH has his card with and asked about my liability for that card (I am an authorized user of the card, but it's technically AH's card) and I wanted to know where that debt stood with ME!
I realized that the mortgage was one of those BIG things with me. AH always paid it late......big bad subject!!!.....and I realized one day that it was a very HUGE stressful part of my life. So I decided that I would no longer deal with that house payment. I do not discuss the account with them when they call for payment, I tell them to talk to AH. I do not respond to their notices. I do not return their phone calls. Etc. Granted, a lot of people that know this think I'm insane because my name is on the mortgage as well - but for me, it's the best thing to do. I will not/cannot deal with it anymore!!!!!! To make a long story short, AH got our house in a mess - I've gotten us out of it before, I will not do it again! He needs to deal with his own mess!
I have gotten 5 credit cards in MY name only!!! I am the responsible one when it comes to money and the only reason that I got those cards is to start re-building my credit! (I have other things I need to do to improve more, but it's a start).
And through 6 years of hearing him tell me to quit my job - I never did. And I am so thankful for that now!!!!! And since AH and I have split up, I have been promoted to a new position, got on a better shift, and yes, got a raise (or two, LOL). I will not be completely dependant on anyone ever again to support me financially as long as I can help it!!!!!!
I'm sure there is more I can do and should be doing. Hopefully that will come soon enough.
However, there is something I want to share with you. I realized after AH and I had split up that it wasn't his drinking that caused his irresponsibility with money as I had always though. Quite the opposite actually - it was/is his irresponsibility that has caused the problems with his drinking and the money. And AH always drank more when stressed - and alot of that stress was financial stress. AH never was taught how to manage money. Though I've tried to teach him for years, he truly just doesn't seem to care.