I find it ironic that being in recovery from the effects of another's alcoholism can open your eyes to all the areas in your life that have been effected. I have a 23, soon to be 24 in August daughter, who was diagnosed ADHD with a conduct disorder classification in the 1st grade. By age 10 she was diagnosed as being bipolar. I'm not perfect, no one is but I've done everything I could possibly do to be a good, loving and supportive mother to my daughter. I've sacrificed my career, my education, homes, relationships, you name it I think I've lost it or went into debt over it in the name of being a good mother.
Currently she's living in my house. I don't live there but I pay the mortgage, taxes, water and any other "house" related expenses that are in my name. I bought the house for my children. I felt that we had moved so much throughout their childhoods they needed somewhere that no matter what they could call home. This evening I got a call from her, she found a box of paperwork that belongs to me in the 1st floor pantry. It had gotten wet and she wants to throw it out. I told her that I needed to go through it as I'm sure it has paperwork with vital information on it belonging to myself and her siblings (who by the way is staying with me because they can't deal with her mood swings). She then tells me that I NEED to come there tomorrow or she's throwing it away.
Now, I was calm on the initial call and even agreed to come to the house, even if I had to walk up there. (I recently lost my job so I really don't have bus fare to get there so walking would be my only recourse). Once I hung up, I think reality hit. My child just told ME that I NEED to get to MY house and get MY papers before she throws them out of MY house. The same house I AM PAYING THE BILLS AT. The same house that was raided and tore up, I mean tore up like in holes in the walls and floors, furniture destroyed raided by the police in a drug raid in 2010 when just her and her then boyfriend lived there. The same house I had to go put back together when she was locked up. The same house that I struggle, worry and stress about repairing everyday. The same house SHE pays NO bills at but lives in with her boyfriend of the month who she just almost killed last week by stabbing him in the thigh when he tried to calm her down when upset.
Okay, so you know I had to call her back. I needed clarification, I needed to understand how she could call and say this to me. As you can imagine the call did not go well. It was VERY apparent she is manic. She wouldn't listen, was highly aggressive and defensive, even flippant towards what she termed was MY PROBLEM not hers. I was so angry I was glad I didn't have a car because I probably would have went up there and popped her in the mouth for even twisting her lips to speak to me in that manner and I am not a violent person.
I ended up hanging up on her. I could feel my blood pressure rising and as I logged in to post this I felt the onset of a panic attack rising. (I have a panic disorder that hasn't bothered me since 2005 but has started rearing its ugly head more & more since I lost my job and my stress level has risen). I realize that I am enabling my daughter to do what she feels like and allowing her to verbally abuse me, something that I have stood my ground on with my RAH. Her behavior so mirrors his lately that the only way I've been able to deal is to read my Al Anon books and remember the slogans and steps. The one thing that is very clear is I cannot continue to deal with her. I love her but I cannot let her abuse me and accept it because I know she's mentally ill. I feel that she needs to hit her bottom and hopefully seek the mental health help she so desperately needs, but that will never happen as long as I'm in the way.
Thanks for letting me share.
