KDL,
I don't work that way either. What you might want to consider is secular counseling. I have two years almost and my whole first year was a roller coaster ride. If we have bad thoughts and are sober then maybe it is depression or just anxiety over all the feelings. In any event it can help to have a counselor as a sounding board.
"I told myself 58 days ago that I would get and stay sober and not make any decisions until I was sure I had clear, rational thinking. But, I'm not sure I can tell."
I don't think any of us are clear and rational 100% of the time even the never addicted ones. You are dealing with a lot of issues and since AA is not an option do some work with a local therapist.
If this was easy everybody would succeed. You are almost there as you aren't relapsing every week. I was lost at that time period of my sobriety the whole first three months were crazy! Psychologically and physiologically I was on a wild roller coaster. It got much better after six months but even now I still have some issues with weight gain for the first time in my life, due to quitting a bad smoking habit of three packs a day at the same time I quit drinking alcohol.
It doesn't ever get better. You get better all the time. Both with the anxiety and the ability to re-learn decision making skills, and for many who missed their formative years in maturing, they have to learn them from scratch. Social and coping skills don't automatically come along with living long and sobriety. Sometimes age just comes alone without maturity. But it can always be learned. Many of us have a lot of catching up to do. That in itself can be quite an adventure.
Good move on holding off, now go get the skills you need and some help in getting them.
Posting and discussing things here has helped me a lot too.
Dr. Wayne Dyer said that "When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change."
Right now you are looking at things from a fearful perspective, and frightening it is to not know where you stand in your own feelings. I have been there and got help and made it through to much more serenity. I am not that perfect though and will make mistakes as I go. I just don't catastrophize them anymore, or at least not so much.